When Anxiety Shows Up in Grief
When the unexpected shows up in your grief.
Grief doesn’t just sit in our thoughts. It lives in the body too. And for a lot of people, that shows up as anxiety.
You might not expect it. It may not be something you’ve experienced before.
It might catch you off guard, because alongside the sadness, there’s an underlying feeling of unease, or all of a sudden anxiety shows up.
It feels like something isn’t quite right. Even when, logically, you know you’re okay.
If that’s been your experience, you’re not alone in it.
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What anxiety in grief can feel like
It doesn’t always look like full-blown panic (although it can).
You might notice things like:
* Feeling restless or unable to settle
* A tight chest, or that “can’t quite get a full breath” feeling. Feeling sick to your stomach, or that you might vomit.
* Your thoughts racing, especially when things go quiet at night
* Struggling to focus on things you normally would
* Feeling on edge, like you’re waiting for something else to happen
* Wanting to stay close to people or places that feel safe
* Or pulling away completely because everything feels too much
It can feel confusing. Sometimes people even start to worry something is wrong with them.
But more often than not, this is your body doing exactly what it’s designed to do.
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Why does this happen?
When someone important to us dies, it doesn’t just affect our emotions, it can also shake our sense of safety.
The world can suddenly feel unpredictable, and a less steady than it did before. And your nervous system notices.
Your nervous system won’t say, “I feel unsafe.”
Instead, it shows you:
* Stay alert
* Don’t relax too much
* Keep watch
Even if the death was expected.
Even if part of you felt “prepared.”
There’s still a part of you adjusting to the reality that something important has changed.
So if your body feels a bit on edge… it makes sense.
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What if we didn’t try to push it away?
Our instinct with anxiety is usually to get rid of it & make it go away as quickly as possible…because it doesn’t feel good.
But anxiety, especially in grief, isn’t random, It has a function. It’s your body trying to protect you & trying to keep you safe after something has felt unsafe, unpredictable, or overwhelming. So instead of pushing it away, there can be something really gentle in turning towards it…almost like you would with a child who’s upset. Notice it and acknowledge it.
Even something as simple as:
“Oh… there you are, I’m feeling unsettled.”
You might place a hand on your chest or your stomach and just sit with it for a moment.
And then, rather than asking “How do I get rid of this?” you might ask: “What does this part of me need right now?”
Sometimes the answer is rest, sometimes it’s reassurance. Sometimes it’s to slow down, or to feel a bit more supported, or a bit less alone.
You don’t have to get it exactly right, just the act of noticing, and responding with a bit of kindness instead of resistance, can start to shift things.
Because when we stop fighting the anxiety, it often softens on its own. Not instantly, but gradually, like it’s been heard.
Ways to gently calm the nervous system
This isn’t about forcing yourself to relax. It’s more about quietly reminding your body: you’re safe right now.
Here are some simple ways to do that:
*Ground yourself in what’s around you
Look around and name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear.
It helps bring you out of your head and back into the present moment.
*Slow your breathing (just a little)
Try breathing in for 4 counts and out for 6.
That longer exhale can help signal to your body that it can ease off.
*Use simple, reassuring phrases (placing a hand on your tummy and/or your heart also helps while you remind yourself you are safe)
Things like:
“I’m safe right now.”
“This feeling will pass.”
“My body is trying to protect me.”
You’re not fighting the feeling, just offering something comforting to it.
*Move your body gently
Shake your hands, legs or feet.
A quick run on the spot, stretch, listen to music. Shake it off, Dance it out.
A short walk, a stretch, standing outside and feeling your feet on the ground.
Anxiety is energy - sometimes it just needs somewhere to go.
* Eat a few sour lollies or some lemon.
*Stay connected (in ways that feel doable)
You don’t have to be social in a big way.
Even a message, a quick check-in, or sitting with someone quietly can help.
*Create small moments of safety
A cup of tea, sitting in a favourite spot, a familiar show in the background. Small moments where your body can soften.
A gentle reminder
Anxiety in grief is more common than people realise. It doesn’t mean you’re not coping. It doesn’t mean you’re doing grief ‘wrong.’ It means your body has been through something significant and it’s trying to keep you safe in the only way it knows how. With time, and with gentle care, your nervous system can start to settle again.
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Jo is available for grief and bereavement counselling in Brisbane, offering gentle support as you navigate loss and its many layers. Contact her at 0412 619 085 or jo@biglove.com.au to book a session.