The Dual Process Model of Grief: Understanding a way to navigate your Grief.

Understanding the Dual Process Model of Grief

Grief is a journey like no other.
It doesn’t follow a straight path, and there’s no one-size-fits-all way to navigate it.
If you’ve lost a significant someone, you might find yourself feeling pulled in many directions at once. Sometimes you’re caught in waves of sadness, other times you’re just trying to get through the day, or the hour. That’s completely normal.

One framework that can really help make sense of these ups and downs is called the Dual Process Model of Grief, developed by grief experts Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. Despite the fancy name, it’s actually very simple and practical. The Key Concept of this particular model is oscillation.

• Grievers don't just focus on their loss; they also need to cope with the practical demands of living.

• The model highlights the importance of taking breaks from grief to manage life and allowing intense grief when needed, shifting between these two poles.

• This flexible movement prevents burnout and facilitates adaptation to the your reality.

This model reminds us that grieving isn’t just about feeling sad or crying. There is time for active grieving and also time to re-engage in life, and both are important:

1. Loss-oriented coping.
This is the part of grief where you focus on your loss. It can include sadness, longing, anger, guilt, or crying. But it’s not limited to feeling terrible. Loss-oriented coping can also look like dancing, laughing, swimming, exercising, punching a pillow, or screaming. Essentially, it’s anything that helps you express, process & tend to your grief. This is about acknowledging the loss in your own way.

2. Restoration-oriented coping.
This is the part of grief that’s about living life alongside your loss, & adjusting to life without your person. It includes practical things like paying bills, cooking meals, going to work, reconnecting with friends, or getting used to new routines. These moments might feel like a break from grief, but they’re just as important, they help you keep going while your heart heals.

The key insight of the Dual Process Model is that healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between these two modes.
It’s not about getting stuck in sadness or forcing yourself to move on too quickly.
Some days, you might feel drawn deeply into remembering your loved one, lighting a candle, crying, laughing, listening to music.
Other days, you might focus on everyday life: running errands, going to work, or catching up with friends… engaging with your life.

This swinging between loss and restoration is normal and necessary. It’s how grief works in rhythm with life, giving you space to both feel the loss and continue living, sometimes side by side in the same day.

Practical tips for moving with your grief:

* Give yourself permission to feel and express your emotions. Through tears, laughter, movement… whatever you need in the moment.

* Celebrate small victories in daily life. Even making a meal or taking a shower counts.

* Notice your natural patterns. Are there times you swing toward loss-oriented or restoration-oriented activities? Awareness helps you stay balanced.

* Reach out for support when you need it. Talking to someone who understands grief, like a bereavement counsellor, can help you navigate the swings.

Remember: grief is not a linear journey, and there’s no right way to do it. By recognising the push and pull between loss and restoration, you can give yourself the compassion and flexibility you need to heal in your own way, in your own time.
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If you’re wanting support, Jo has written a Grief Guide that offers guidance for navigating the initial days of grief. The book is intended to provide comfort and reassurance to those who have experienced the loss of a significant person, as well as individuals who are struggling with the grieving process. It is a reminder that grievers are not alone in their experiences and that their emotions are normal and understandable.

Jo at Big Love also offers support through counselling sessions to help you understand your grief, find ways to integrate your grief into your life, and honour your loved one.

Further reading: Grief as a Parent- from someone who knows.